WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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