Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize