I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
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