i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
