the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
