Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
