Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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