it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
