Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
