I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
