I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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