Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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