I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
