He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
