I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
