I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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