Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
so much tequila, so little girl.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
