I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
