i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
