Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
