i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize