You're my little dorito
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Randomize
