You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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