Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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