I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
