I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you donโt have to recycle anymore ๐๐
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