Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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