i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
