Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
