I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Randomize
