woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
