New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
