I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
