I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
