Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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