Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
