answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
