Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
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