She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
