So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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