My liver just broke up with me...
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
this is an emotional support booty call
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
