Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
