We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
