worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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