stop calling my apartment porn island.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
