Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
