Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
