Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize