Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
