Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
