He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
