I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
