somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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