Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
