i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
