Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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