You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
