I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
