Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
