it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
